Confucius Say

Just thought you should know.

 

Cheers,

cp

Old Ben Kenobi

 

"Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.” This is what starts the journey of young Skywalker. And how does Luke respond?

“I wonder if she means old Ben Kenobi?” 

I wonder too. I mean what are the odds that she’s looking for a Kenobi, and you know exactly one Kenobi? She could have narrowed it down “...he’s about five foot seven, gray hair, wears and old brown tunic, carries a light saber that sort of looks like a neon dick, can get you into any club in the galaxy with the wave of a hand, can spot moon-shaped space stations from 75,000 miles away, has suicidal tendencies...”

“I wonder if she means old Ben Kenobi?” Well I wonder if she means Old Ben Rice? or old Ben Dover? Or OldBen/GYN Kenobi?         

Luke Skywalker must be the dumbest character on the planet; the Kellie Pickler of Tatooine.. “I wonder if she means old Ben Kenobi?” Is Kenobi on Tatooine like Chins in China?

Fuck sake. Of course she means old Ben Kenobi, you womp rat!

 

cp

 

Punch His Beard Off

 

This cartoon was inspired by this video. I am impressed with this kid on so many levels, him in his tiny fucking sweater and tie.

“I’ll punch his beard off!”

Not only is the kid going to punch his beard off, a task that takes a wild imagination to even conceive, but he’s decided he’s going to use an upper cut to do it. He’s got a name for the strike he’s going to use to deface Santa. I feel like if England ever wanted to have a strong leader again, you could be looking at the next Prime Minister in this video, which would probably make a compelling campaign clip.

cp

 

Married

Why are we even still doing this?

cp

Cornbread

That's Cornbread. I'm married to Cornbread for thirty years now. I call her Cornbread because her tastes in food are very narrow. She eats like a toddler: chicken nuggets, and mac and cheese (I'm tempted to put her in a high chair when it's time to eat). I like loose Cheerios, hotdogs cut into pieces, and a good box of cheesy what-what as much as the next guy--but I like other stuff too.

I was raised on the coast. I like fish. She was raised in the boxed dinner aisle at the Kroger. She don't eat fish unless it's the filet-o kind served by a red-haired clown with a side of fries. All the panels above are her response to, "Honey, red snapper is on sale at the HEB. Whataya say? A nice piece of fish?" She makes a face like she smells a dog fart, then puts on her Hulk voice:

"TWO INGREDIENTS, PERDUE! ONLY TWO! NOODLE AND CHEESE! VERY EASY! NOODLE! CHEESE!"

Since I married Cornbread I don't get no fish.

cp

Mosey

The difference is ever so subtle.

cp

Wash Up

There is more on this subject, if you care that much about flygene. Get it? Flygene?

...nevermind.

cp

Operator

So call now. Operators are standing by .

cp

Fliamese Twins

I bet the pokey part is on his side too.

cp

Period

Alternate responses:

• I've eaten worse.
• Well can I sniff it a bit?
• It's not your fault. It's not your fault.
• I'm Batman. 
• "HEEEEEY, DON'T LET IT GO TO WASTE! I LOVE IT BUT I HATE THE TASTE!"

cp

Persistence

The persistence with which a fly will bang its ugly head against a closed window leaves little doubt as to why biology dictates it must have a jillion maggots per litter.

cp

Keto

I heard someone say, "Man, this keto diet sucks. I can't eat shit."

Who knew? Sneaky carbs. Hiding everywhere. 

cp

Risk

Sometimes you have to measure the risk. If the reward is substantial, you just have to go for it.

cp

Dragonfly

Uh...that's racist, Daddy.

cp

Horsefly

Dr. Jenkins received his grant money with specific instruction: Make a horsefly. I think what they meant was "make the horse that flies".

cp

Splat!

My least favorite way to kill bugs.

cp

Snack Check

TSA is conducting snack checks now. Snack checks. Like hockey checks, but they rattle a snack loose and eat it.

"Let me see your snacks, sir! I LIKE THAT KIND...it can't fly!" *CHOMP!*

I recognize that these front-line pervs are doing someone else's bidding, but the whole lot of them are contemptible shits, so no breaks. And as foul as they are between you and the airplanes, you should see them at the end of a shift. The same people who just spent eight hours keeping you in line while sniffing your shorts and feeling up your kids, drive like they're on the final lap at Talladega in a fucking rental car. No kindness. No courtesy. Just aggressive, boorish assholes jockeying for an inch that might be yours. Despicable shits!

You know, there's another division of TSA that just goes around levying fines against airport tenants and airline employees. It's true. Every time there is a lapse in security or a breech in the system somewhere on the airfield (irregardless of whose lapse it was, but usually their own), the TSA starts pestering the shit out of tenants and employees at the airport. Seriously despicable, contemptible shits.

...anyway, they're taking snacks from passengers now.

Don't worry, shit-eater. You're back on next week.

cp

Specs

Well, well. Here comes ole 4002 eyes...

Margot cautiously enters the halls of ridicule wearing her new specs.

cp

Identity Crisis

I wonder which bathroom the June bugs are going to make Lester use.

cp

Porning

I think in one of the instances where I walked in on this situation, the panicked response was, "AAAHHH! PORNING!!" I stepped out before I saw anything and stood there, stunned by a profound realization: porning is a verb. 

What does it mean "to porn"?

cp