Married

Why are we even still doing this?

cp

New Year

Mid way through 2018 I quit the news; I threw that shit away. It's nothing more than unimportant gossip and frivolous screeching "LOOK! LOOK! LOOK WHAT HE SAID! LOOK WHAT HE DID! COVFEFE!!". I still read headlines daily (so you better make them count), but I recognize there's nothing of import; nothing of real substance; the whole process takes me five minutes. Biggest news of 2018? The fed coming off of that prime rate of zero(ish) percent life support it's been on for a decade. The economy is fucking roaring. But you have to look for that news; it doesn't lead despite it's importance. Beyond that its just unbridled, hate, excessive admiration, and an army of attention whores.

*Hang with me. I'm going somewhere with this.

I remember when I first got on facebook. I was blown away. In the year leading up to facebook, if you asked me how many people I know I would have guessed forty, maybe fifty. Well it turns out I know about ten times that many. I actually know them. Grade school, Marines, college, work in Los Angeles, Memphis, Austin; I have facebook friends from every phase of my life. In the beginning I was overwhelmed. Well now I'm underwhelmed. I'm glad I made some connections, and not so glad about others (there's a cat-killer lurking there and I had almost overcome that horrible event). Now that platform is a distraction. In fact, all of them are distractions. And news that I loathe to hear sneaks in at me through social media. I don't want it. So I'm throwing that shit away too.

It's a new year. I'm going to read more books, draw more shitty cartoons, write more uninteresting, self-serving diatribes that no one reads, build more furniture. I'm going to watch more Netflix and Hulu. I'm going to ride my bike. I'm not going to stare at my phone; the screen is dark right now and I can see that greasy, single-finger swipe running right down the middle of it. You can look at your phone if you want to, but if you do it while you're sitting across from me, I'll fart in my hand and throw it at your face.


cp

Flies and Soup

So, what now?

cp

BRB

I have another project to attend to. No, it's not the wall unit from last week (Wifey has a sad), but the job I took on will pay for that wall unit and then some (Daddy has a happy). Also I have a deadline and a lot of work to do. So I'm sending Farty McFly on sabbatical. Don't worry, he'll be back.

In the meantime I'll post snippets of the woodwork here.

Cheers,
cp

Food Truck

Meanwhile, Josie ponders Roger as food.

cp

Artsy Fartsy Shitsy

Bob Ross whips out a masterpiece in under a half hour. It takes me a little longer.

Editor's Note: "Masterpiece" is used very loosely here.

cp

Baby Daddy

Somebody better call Maury Povich.

cp

Fliamese Twins

I bet the pokey part is on his side too.

cp

Strike

Based on actual events.
That actually happened.
In my house.
This week.

cp

Period

Alternate responses:

• I've eaten worse.
• Well can I sniff it a bit?
• It's not your fault. It's not your fault.
• I'm Batman. 
• "HEEEEEY, DON'T LET IT GO TO WASTE! I LOVE IT BUT I HATE THE TASTE!"

cp

Persistence

The persistence with which a fly will bang its ugly head against a closed window leaves little doubt as to why biology dictates it must have a jillion maggots per litter.

cp

Keto

I heard someone say, "Man, this keto diet sucks. I can't eat shit."

Who knew? Sneaky carbs. Hiding everywhere. 

cp

Risk

Sometimes you have to measure the risk. If the reward is substantial, you just have to go for it.

cp

Dragonfly

Uh...that's racist, Daddy.

cp

Splat!

My least favorite way to kill bugs.

cp

Specs

Well, well. Here comes ole 4002 eyes...

Margot cautiously enters the halls of ridicule wearing her new specs.

cp

Identity Crisis

I wonder which bathroom the June bugs are going to make Lester use.

cp

Porning

I think in one of the instances where I walked in on this situation, the panicked response was, "AAAHHH! PORNING!!" I stepped out before I saw anything and stood there, stunned by a profound realization: porning is a verb. 

What does it mean "to porn"?

cp

Fly

The idea of a fly flying, at least in this fashion, is fucking ridiculous.

I used the acrylic brushes I downloaded a couple of weeks ago.  I don't know that they serve cartoons very well.

cp

Fly Fart

Exactly how foul is a fly fart? 

cp